|
GrandChildren |
Ce'Leste D'Riel
Va'Lan D'Riel
An'Lin D'Riel
|
|
|
|
Gods! She felt so weak! Silverthorn muttered irritably to herself and all but fell out of bed. "Hells!" She lay on the floor for a moment, catching her breath as the room swayed about her and her stomach rolled. A cold sweat prickled across her skin. Stubbornly, she pushed herself up onto all fours, her head hanging down for a moment as she inhaled slowly. Okay, clothes. Did she even have clothes here? She knew she hadn't been wearing any when she was in Nenlante. It was too hot to sleep in a nightgown, and Ro tended to throw her clothing around the room anyway.
Ro... .
For a moment she stumbled in getting to her feet as pain sliced through her again, tears welling in her jade eyes. A tanned hand wiped them away angrily. Dammit! He wasn't doing this to her. Who the hell did he think he was? A god? Nobody had the right to make this kind of sweeping decision about her life, not even him. She had had it up to here with him making unilateral decisions like this. This was supposed to be a relationship for gods sake, not a dictatorship. The heat of temper flowed through her veins, strengthening her as she grabbed the nearest item of clothing she could find. Mira wasn't that different to her in size, and judging by the contents of the closet she wouldn't miss a shirt and a pair of trousers. Now to get out of here before she or Bran came back. She couldn't let them stop her, and she knew they were loyal enough to Ro to try. .
A silvery portal opened up beside the raven-haired elf, its mirror-like surface shimmering as it wavered, the still fragile woman struggling to hold the magic she usually wielded so effortlessly. Almost desperately she threw herself through. It wasn't until it snapped shut behind her that it even occurred to her to question whether she'd even be able to get back into S'Hea at all. It had been her blood and soul connection to her husband that had permitted it, and with their bond severed... Jade eyes looked around. Yet it had worked. Although now that she thought about it Adarin and Galain could still get in despite the loss of their bond to An'Thaya. The Nenlante she saw now though was not the one she had left. Scenes of devastation lay everywhere, here and there teams of S'Heans worked together to clear up what appeared to be evidence of a pitched battle. .
"What the hell?" The S'Hean Queen staggered to her feet, bracing herself against a tree. A ranger turned, his green eyes widening as he spotted her, and she swore. She needed to get into the palace now, before anyone got any bright ideas about trying to prevent her. There was no telling what orders Y'Roden had given in her absence. She didn't even know what he'd told anybody to explain her absence. Determinedly she set off, heading for one of the more private entrances to Windemiire. The less people who saw her the better. There were a few answers she wanted to have answered, and nobody was going to stop her. .
The double doors to the royal chambers swung in, admitting an exhausted Y’Roden D’Riel. The entire night had been spent tracking down any surviving Nuru’Kh-ai and brutally executing them, something Ro and his Rangers had taken great pleasure in. The Healers were doing what they could for the wounded and still others were attempting to tally the death toll. .
A glimpse of himself in a mirror made the half-elf stop and turn, meeting a gaze that was a mix of emerald and crimson, the colours warring in the iris of his eye, an outer reflection of an inner battle. A familiar sight, even as much as the blood and sweat smeared across his flesh, and the open wounds he had stopped feeling hours ago. .
“You look like hell,” he told himself, his own half crazed laughter startling the King. “We… look like hell.” Large fingertips lifted to run over a bone colored protrusion that swept over his temple like an armoured guard, following the ridges and bumps with curiosity. The wickedly sharp curved spikes on his wrist drew his eye next and he rotated his arm, staring at the evidence of the Demon D.N.A that ran in his blood. .
“Do you like it?” Samara’s voice whispered in his mind, “You do… I can tell. I worked hard on the physical design… you are soooo beautiful. But then, you always have been, which is what makes you so glorious Rauko. Too lovely for any woman to resist, temptation personified… and so deliciously wicked when the coin flips.” The Demoness sighed, shifting restlessly in the amulet. “Let me out, my love. Release me… and release yourself.” .
Y’Roden’s gaze lifted to the mirror again, and his fingers drifted to the cool surface of the pendant that housed Sam, running slowly around the circular gem. It would be so easy… life had been so much simpler when he had belonged to the Demoness. She had given him pain and pleasure, guided his actions… there had never been any need to second-guess himself, to put anyone else ahead of his own needs… or hers. Such a different life than the one he led now… where everything came down to what someone else needed. .
Summerlin had needed to be loved… she had needed someone who would focus on her, and her alone. So he had let go. Ghetsuhm had needed an end to the torture of being torn between two men. Her soul belonged to Galain… so again, Y’Roden had let go… Arianne… he wasn’t sure if he even knew what his wife needed anymore. She was a contradiction, strength and weakness in one package. He loved her… and he resented her all at the same time. So many reasons… so many mistakes… Now that their souls were disentangled, the reality of who they were was starting to emerge… and the truth was painful. .
With some effort, the half-elf pulled his fingers away from the amulet and stumbled away from the mirror, pouring himself a glass of brandy with shaking hands. Draining the glass, he gasped and rubbed at his forehead, attempting to clear his head. .
"Vendui, chev. Missed me?" a voice said sardonically from behind him. Silverthorn leaned up against the doorframe, her hand gripping it harder than she would like, the part of her brain still capable of rational thought aware of the possibility that if she let go she might well fall flat on her face. Jade eyes ran over the large half-elf, their expression enigmatic as they took in the bone-coloured spikes that jutted from his flesh. .
Carefully, the raven-haired elf pushed away from the door, walking over towards him, the effort it took just to remain upright more visible than she liked. "You look like shit," she said harshly. "Good." Jade eyes met crimson-stained emerald, the mask she'd been trying so hard to hold on to slipping away as she looked into the eyes of the man she loved more than anything else, the wild swirl of emotions that coursed through her visible for all to see. Pain, anger, grief, resentment, love, loss... .
"If you hadn't I'd have been even more tempted to maim you then I am now. As it is I'd still like to beat you senseless. Did you honestly believe you could just send me away? Don't you know me at all?" She shook her head slightly, having to drop her eyes as her voice cracked with hurt. "What's happened to us, Ro? Once I would never have believed that you could do this to us and now... now I find myself wondering whether you did it to save me, or whether the truth is more like you just don't want me anymore." .
Yet even now she wanted to hold him, to soothe the pain she saw in his eyes, to try to bring him some sort of peace and comfort... however temporary, but she was no longer sure she had the right. She was no longer sure that he wouldn't turn away and reject her. To see hatred, contempt or even disdain in eyes that had once looked upon her with such love would be more than she could bear. "Why did you...?" Silverthorn looked up once more, "and what happened here? Is everyone..." Her fingers reached out despite herself, hovering above his blood-stained arm as the full realisation of how bad the situation could be sank into the mind of a woman already running on empty. "The children?" The words were tinged with panic. .
He hadn’t moved, it was really difficult even for Ro to say whether he was surprised to see her or not. Despite clear exhaustion, there was still an overload of adrenaline pumping through his system, tinged with anger and several more subtle emotions he couldn’t quite grasp. .
Accusations… there were always accusations. Everyone always thought they knew exactly why he did something. They were generally wrong. .
“I don’t know,” his voice was strained, “Arianne. Did the thought ever cross your mind that maybe none of this was about you at all? That perhaps I needed to live to save my people? Or maybe I needed you to live for our children if this disease takes me down? But no… you wouldn’t ever think of that, would you, because it always comes down to you first.” .
The half-elf jerked back from her reaching fingers and he tossed his glass onto the tray. “Tallin happened here, he took Vanyalin and Amilyn and there wasn’t a damn thing any of us could do to stop him. Our children? Which ones? Fechine the tortured soul, our beautiful vivacious twins… or are you going to tell me you are asking about B’Roden? The one you threatened to abort the moment he was conceived… that would be ironic. Or maybe you are asking about my other children? Did they ever even cross your mind? Did you think to yourself… I hope Rhagi is ok… or, I hope nothing happened to Si’Lyen.” .
He regretted the words as soon as they passed his lips, but he couldn’t seem to stop them coming out. How much was truth… how much was the Demon that glimmered just behind his eyes. .
Her head went back as if he'd struck her, her hand falling down by her side. "Me first? It all comes to me first? When time and time again all I've tried to do it put you first? I know I haven't always managed it, but gods know I did try. Even to the point of feeling myself slowly being destroyed from the inside out. Even to the point of considering leaving you because I was making things worse for you. Even then it was all about you. And you stand there and accuse me of..." .
Silverthorn bit her lip. "I love our children. All of them, even B'Roden. No matter how terrible a mother you believe me to be, that is the truth. I thought you knew that too. I knew you hadn't understood my behaviour before, but I had thought you'd realised that much. When B'Roden was conceived..." Her head dropped. “I was scared. Scared? Gods, I was terrified out of my mind. Do you remember that day in Corin after seeing Linnis when I said I didn’t want any more children? I meant it. That day I couldn’t think of anything worse than being pregnant again. As irrational as it sounds, every time I became pregnant something awful happened and that was what I associated child-bearing with. Nothing that happened since then did anything to change my mind. So when I found out I was pregnant with B’Roden, I panicked.” .
She looked up, her gaze meeting his pleadingly. “I was terrified, Ro. All I could feel was this blind, mind-numbing, irrational terror. I rarely beg for anything, but I begged you to try to understand that that day. I didn’t expect you to agree with me. I just wanted you to try to understand how afraid I was… and you walked away from me. You called me a child murderer, claimed you’d never touch me again and walked away. That hurt so much. To this day I still don’t know whether I agreed to keep B’Roden because I knew my fears were irrational and unfair, or because I knew if I did not then I would lose everything and everyone I cared for. You would never have forgiven me for it and you know it. I had already carried to term one child I did not want. You knew that, and whilst the circumstances with B’Roden weren’t even in the same league as they were with Linnis, he was still growing inside of me, whether I wanted him there or not. I was still nothing more than a womb for a child that was far more important to everyone around me than I was myself. I spent that entire god-damned pregnancy so scared that something would happen, and do you know what hurt the most? That I couldn’t tell you. That you didn’t care enough about me to try to understand my fears, as stupid as you may have thought them.” .
A shaky hand ran through her raven locks. “As for Rhagi, I have tried so hard not to screw up your relationship with him. So yes, whether you believe it or not, how he feels does cross my mind. Everyone is so keen to point fingers at me as if I'm evil incarnate, and no I can't claim to love him, but if I was truly as bad as everyone seems so keen to paint me then that would have been excuse enough to harm him, right? Yet I have never laid a finger on him and you know it. I won’t. Not for his sake, but for yours. I know that I haven’t always been reasonable about him and I know that I may have seemed selfish, but I have been doing my best to make things right. No matter what I do though it seems to be wrong. I tried staying away or I tried staying here and neither was right. Sometimes I’d be grateful for someone just to turn around and say ‘this is what we want you to do. This is how we want you to behave’, just so that I know. I have been trying so hard not to be the troublemaker, not to be the one that’s constantly screwing things up, and its never good enough. I’m never good enough. I’m not perfect, I know that. I know I’ve made mistakes. I hadn’t realised that perfection was part of the expected behaviour for your wife.” .
Exhaustion was clear in every line of her body as her shoulders slumped. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was stupid enough to end up in the clutches of someone who thought abuse was a type of scientific experiment. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to deal with being caught by him again. I'm sorry that I'm not S'Hean and don't always have the same instincts as you do. I'm sorry that having a bond severed was something I found a little upsetting. Hells! Perhaps it would be easier if I just apologised for being me? Would that help? Would it? Everything is about me? Ro, almost every major decision since we got married has been about you and what you wanted, or at least what you thought was right. You needed to be friends with Ghet. You needed to be at Rhagi's birth. You needed to keep the truth of his conception a secret. You needed to see Rhagi as often as possible. You needed this. You needed that. It doesn't really matter whether you were doing it for yourself, or Rhagi, or Ghet, or anyone else. The decisions could all have been the most selfless and noble ones in the history of your people, but they weren't being done because they were what I needed, they were being done because you needed it, because that is the way you thought things should be. And now this... You needed to live, or you needed me to live... It's my life too, Ro. Aren't I allowed a say? You play God with other people's lives and never once stop to ask if the decisions you make are ones that are actually best for them, or even if that is what the other person actually wants. And if I ever complain? If I ever turned around and say actually I'd rather do something else... All of a sudden I'm the most selfish person in the world. Nobody, not even you, is ever interested in why. The only thing that matters is that I'm not supporting you blindly, that I'm actually daring to have a different opinion. So maybe you ought to take a good hard look at yourself, Y'Roden D'Riel. I'm not perfect, but neither are you, and I won't pretend that you are. Unlike some, I don't believing loving someone has to mean seeing them through rose-coloured glasses." .
Y’Roden’s expression was blank, his eyes unblinking as he stared at his wife. “You honestly believe that, don’t you,” he said in an amazed tone, “you believe every word you just said to be the honest truth.” The half-elf shook his head and barked out a partially hysterical laugh, “You honestly believe you are some sort of victim in all of this?” .
The S’Hean King leaned forward, one hand resting heavily on the table, “Decisions… are what I do, it comes with being King. Yes, if I have to force you to live to keep my people, or my children alive, I’ll do it. That is the difference between you and me Thorn, I put them first. And you think anything about Rhagi or Ghet was about me?” His expression turned incredulous, “I needed to be at Rhagi’s birth for him, so my son wouldn’t be brought into this world traumatized or worse. And Ghet… you hate Ghet, and for what? Need I remind you that she was the one that was forced down on a med lab floor and raped? You of all people should know what that is like, how horrible that must have been for her.” .
“You think I’ve never done anything for you… never sacrificed anything for you?” Jerking back he shook his head in disgust, “How blind ARE you? Or does what I have done for others simply outweigh what I’ve done for you, in your world? Gads Thorn. YOU were terrified, so you wanted to kill OUR child. YOU get upset, so I have to keep Rhagi out of your way and keep Ghet at arm’s length. YOU lose your temper, so I have to clean up the mess and apologize to people for your irrational behaviour. YOU don’t think twice before you act, so I have to travel across the Gods bedamned galaxy to track you down and … well, I won’t say I didn’t enjoy killing Dr. Robinson... it was, in fact, a great pleasure.” .
“I HAVE looked at myself, I’ve turned myself inside out and bent over backwards, and still... its never damn well good enough for you. No, you don’t see me through rose-colored glasses… and I’m starting to wonder if you really see me at all, Arianne. I’m certainly not the man you think you see… or want to see. I never claimed to be perfect… in fact; I think I’ve been pretty damn clear that I’m not. LOOK at me, REALLY look. I’m a murderer, a killer, a rapist and a sadist, I hate, I love, I break and I damn well BLEED. I was broken when you came into my life… I’m still broken now, and I’m damn well sorry I dragged you into it. Satisfied? And I’ll always damn well love you, ‘cause I can’t stop. I don’t stop, not ever, with anyone… I even still love Samara in some twisted freaked out way. You’d be best off just to run Thorn, as fast as you damn well can.” .
A twisted smile curled her lips, "I was right. You do want me to apologise for being me. I followed Linnis because I didn't want her to find out the truth about how she was conceived, something you ought to relate to given your stance on Rhagi, but because I got kidnapped it's my fault? I suppose it was my fault I got raped and tortured as well? I stayed out of Rhagi's way without any bloody effort on your part and you damned well know it. I was hardly going about my usual routine and just expecting you to keep him away from me. As for Ghet... Don't you dare blame me for how you chose to treat her. I can't stand her, I agree, but I never once asked you to stay away from her. You chose to do that. I asked you for two things, Ro. That was it. Don't exclude me, and please don't let her come here. I have spent damn near all our married life saying nothing about Ghet, no matter what you chose to do, because I knew how much you wanted to stay friends with her. So yes, Ro, I did put you first." .
She moved forward, her hand bracing itself against his chest. "Look at me. I'm no less broken than you. You knew what I was like when you became involved with me. I have never lied to you. Not once. I can be cold and merciless. I am willing to kill anyone simply because someone paid me enough. People can be scared of the dark. I have been the thing that they are scared of. I know what it feels like to hunt, to smell someone's fear and enjoy it. I know what a victim's blood tastes like on my lips. Others might be able to claim their darkness is a skinwalker or a split personality. I can't. It is me. I chose to be Embraced. I chose to be a vampire, and that is forever a part of me. So if you want to wave old wounds like some scarlet flag to prove how much you've suffered or what a terrible person you are, go right ahead. I can match you scar for scar, evil deed for evil deed. I hate and love just the same as you. I can be just as easily broken. But one thing is for certain... I. do. not. run." .
A hand reached out to touch his cheek, regret and shame softening the anger in her eyes. “I know I have hurt you. I know I’ve screwed up massively in the past few years, but I never claimed to be perfect, Ro. I’ve been doing my best, and if that isn’t good enough I’m sorry. If I could change myself I would. If I could take back every stupid word I ever said I would. Every time I broke down, every time I wasn't strong enough, what hurt the most was what I was doing to you, and I felt so ashamed and guilty." Elegant fingers, callused from a lifetime of warfare, cradled his jaw. “I love you. If you believe nothing else, believe that. Even if you don’t want me anymore, I will still love you. I always will.” .
“I don’t want you to apologize,” Ro said flatly, “any more than I can apologize for who I am. We can stand here all day arguing who is right, and who is wrong, and never reach the truth, because for each of us, the truth is something completely different.” .
His eyes were burning, exhaustion trying to set in over emotional anguish. Reaching up he caught at her hand and drew it away from his face, “Nothing I can say… nothing you can say can bridge this… gap. The one thing you don’t seem to be grasping… is that ...yes, you never asked me to do some of these things. But Thorn… you didn’t have to. I knew what your reaction would be to every action, your moods and temperament have dictated what I have done no matter whether you were consciously aware of it or not. Yes, that is my fault; I fully take the blame for that. I take the blame for how I’ve treated Ghet; I take the blame for not being true to myself. Truthfully? I’m not sure what I want anymore, and I’m not sure it matters anyway. I could be dead tomorrow, it is a very real possibility the way this disease is progressing. The best thing I can do for you is stay away from you. It is the best I can do for anyone.” He kissed her fingers, then let them go. “I need to go get cleaned up. I have to get back to work… S’Hea is in chaos… she needs me.” .
Tears glistened in her jade eyes, but she blinked them back determinedly. "Then let me help," she asked softly. "Please. If you want me to stay out of your way, I will, but I can't... I can't stand around and do nothing whilst everyone I care about dies. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't even try. Please let me stay." Inside she felt as if her heart was breaking and she could only blame herself. She had once claimed that she broke everything she touched, and he had tried to tell her otherwise, but she only had to look into his eyes to know she was right. Perhaps it had taken more than one person to create a hurt this deep, but she couldn't deny she was one of them. She had no idea how to bridge the divide between them, and she wasn't sure anymore if she should even try, not if it was only going to cause him more pain. Perhaps everyone would simply be better off if she wasn't here. .
“This is still your home,” Ro said gently, “I can’t make you do anything Arianne, and I don’t want to make you leave.” He cupped her face for a moment and kissed her forehead, “If you want to help… go to our children, they saw everything yesterday and I’m sure some of them are hysterical. I haven’t had a chance to check on them. Bran and Mira’s children are still here as well. Seeing their respective Ammah and Dera would do them a lot of good.” .
Releasing her he turned towards the bathing room, stretching the fingers on one hand and arching his wrist. A grimace rippled across his features as the spikes slid back beneath his flesh with an odd sucking, crackling noise. “I’ll be out with the Rangers afterwards… if anyone needs me.” .
"Wait!" She caught at his wrist, stopping him. She looked up into his eyes, not completely certain what it was she wanted to say, but knowing she couldn't leave it like this. "I... I made you a promise once. I promised that I would always be there if you needed me. I know I've let you down, so I can understand if you don't believe me, but I did mean it. I don't want to make things any worse and I sure as hell don't want to hurt you anymore than I already have so I'll stay out of your way, but if you need help... ask... please. Promise me." She managed a crooked smile. "I know what you're like for thinking you have to do everything yourself, and you don't." .
Ro managed a tired smile and lifted the wrist she was holding, smoothing down her raven hair on one side of her face for a brief moment. “I know… and I love you Thorn. I just… I can’t… but thank you.” Gently tugging his wrist free, the half-elf released the harness that was strapped to his back, letting it fall to the floor with his sword before he disappeared through the archway. .
|
|
|
