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Blood and filth washed away… but scars of body and soul remained. The marble on the bottom of the pool was cold against his back, despite the heat of the water, and Ro just let himself drift. Eyes closed in a cocoon of water he sought a moment’s peace… and instead, slipped into sleep.
A thousand faces slipped through his subconscious mind… screaming, tortured… human and elf alike, male and female… all of them had died at his hands. Yet none of them carried the impact three individual women that haunted his soul. He hadn’t loved Summerlin enough… he had loved Ghetsuhm far too much… and love wasn’t enough when it came to Arianne.
Each time he had let go… it had been like ripping out a part of him. Perhaps not so hard with Sum, he had been releasing her to something better. Ghetsuhm, he could never convince himself that Galain was the best thing for her. The Elen was a selfish bastard as far as Ro was concerned, taking all he could get his hands on no matter who he hurt, even those he claimed to love the most.
"How can I live without you?" The thought was so strong it had fallen from her lips before she knew it.
"Don't say that," he pleaded, "Please Ghet.... " Lifting his head he brushed a strand of hair away from her face as his gaze met hers. "You love Galain remember, you live, love and breathe for him."
Steeling himself he clenched his jaw, "You'll never be mine, not completely. Even if something were to happen to Galain, I know you Ghet, you'd pass beyond the viel with him. Either way I'm left broken." He shook his head, "No matter how much I want you, love you, or need you, I can't have all of you."
Confusion was stirring at the back of his eyes; he hadn't known her love for him was that deep. Ghet had spent so much time telling him how Galain came first that it never occurred to him how far things had gone. "You'll live, you'll go on. I'm not the one.... I'm just not the one.... It's killing me slowly, but it’s the awful truth."
Y’Roden’s words drove the blade right in, twisted it, and she began to weep, hard, clinging to him. She had always been so scrupulously honest with him about her feelings for Galain, had she forgotten to tell him how much she loved him?
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, my darling, I never meant to hurt you like that. I don't know what else I could have done. You are right. He's my soul, my life, and yes, I wouldn't live without him, I couldn't live in that much pain, it would be like being torn in half. I know that's not fair on you. And... he's not all mine, either, is he? I would die for him, but if I should go first, he would stay with Tay. I can't help but know how much he loves her. And he can't help but know, how much I love you. He hates it, but I love you so damn much I've made him live with that. It's only because... I love you so much, and I know I make you miserable, that I can bear this at all."
Relived in a dream, it was as painful as the day those words were spoken. He had let the first woman he had ever loved go… but they were far to entangled to ever be free of one another. Rhagi… Rhagi had been the permanent glue perhaps… but Ro doubted it, it was just in their nature. Child or not, there would forever be a connection.
Arianne’s face filled his vision and his heart constricted. Perhaps that was what had put a wedge between himself and his wife. Again, he doubted it… they were just far to different, despite their obvious similarities. They didn’t see the universe from the same angle, and many of their base beliefs were… so very different.
For a moment, there was an agonized sense of peace… perhaps he was just meant to be alone…
Then pain, lancing, hot, agony across his abdomen.
Crimson eyes flew open, watching the water turn red, ragged lines of scarlet that floated towards the surface and caught on the current.
Come to me my pet.... be one with your desire....
For a moment he could see Samara’s ethereally beautiful features, the Demon’s blood red eyes and ebony hair a sharp contrast against perfect, porcelain skin.
Set me free…
With a jolt, Y’Roden shot towards the surface, pushing his short dark hair back with shaking fingers as he sucked in a breath of air. Spikes broke through his wrists, releasing fresh rivulets of hot blood, and his temples felt as if they were going to explode.
With a snarl, he waded to the edge of the pool and hauled himself out, pressing fingertips to the sides of his head and shaking it wildly. “STOP.”
You don’t have to be alone Y’Roden… Rauko… my love… all this pain can go away. You just have to remember, I love you so much… I have so much to give you. Remember the sweet cadence of your screaming victims, the taste of their blood… the feel of their bones breaking beneath you. You want that again… I know you do.
“SHUT UP!”
And yet, the temptation was there, beauty in the simplicity of the life she offered. Unseeing he stumbled back into his chambers, knocking the table over with a crash and somehow, finding himself out on the balcony, his bastard sword clutched in white knuckled fingers. The amulet glimmered up at him, somewhere along the way he had taken it from around his neck, and it now lay in his palm like an open invitation. It dropped onto the ledge, glistening like a drop of blood set in gold, cajoling, whispering, begging for him.
The blade lifted over his head and he made a strangled noise, shoulders heaving with ragged breath as he fought for control, and felt it slipping.
With a howl of rage he brought the sword down, the edge hitting just shy of the pendant and smashing into the obsidian railing. The glass screamed in protest, sparks flying as steel screeched along its surface, the immense strength of the S’Hean King carving a long gouge across it.
A wild yell of frustration, and he threw the sword across the balcony, bouncing it off one of the double doors and sending it crashing into the room. Dropping to a crouch, Ro held his head between his hands and sobbed once, terrified of himself… horrified at what he had almost done. “Leave me alone,” he hissed, “Just leave me be.”
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