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Sometimes love is found in the most unexpected places.
But finding the right pathway is a complicated matter.
Adarin's words rolled over and over in An'Thaya's head as she entered the shady comfort of the maze. She had paused along the way to pluck an orchid, and tucked it behind one pointed ear as she walked. It was more habit than anything.
"What I am," she said aloud as the Elen King came up behind her. "I am... many things. I am An'Thaya D'riel Alcarin... my name means Light's Hope Surging Soul Glorious. I am an Amazon Queen, and a Princess twice over. I am human, I am elven... I am a creature motivated by honor and love above all. I am the wife of Galain Alcarin and Jaiden Alasse. I am the Amazon sister of Ghetsuhm Alcarin, and the honored sister of Shadow Soruntor and Summerlin Ravenwolfe. I am the sister of Prince Y'roden D'riel... daughter of Derwin and Se'liene D'riel, and cousin to King B'rodyn D'riel of S'hea. So many things... "
She turned around and looked up at him, "Put yourself in my position. Having loved someone for millenia, someone you have given your heart and soul too. Loved with a patience most women would not have. I have tolerated more from Galain than is probably healthy for a person. He has taken many lovers over the centuries, and I never complained because it was just.. who he was. After we married he still took lovers, until I finally put my foot down. For a time he was mine alone, just him... and me... and the love that had always been between us."
Her gazed lifted to the sureal sky just barely visible to her above the hedges. "Then picture losing that love... or thinking you had. Forever and Gareth took my love, my pride, my honor. I lived through months of hell and lost myself entirely. Then... when I returned... Galain had taken a golden soulmate. You cannot know how much that hurt, how deeply it scarred my soul. I know he never meant to hurt me, that he was just being Galain, but he shares something with Ghet that I can never hope to match. It leaves me bleeding inside sometimes... I know he loves me, and he sais he loves us equally. But can you see how difficult that is for me to believe?"
Her gaze dropped to meet Adarin's and she gave him a shakey smile, "Everyone has a basic need to be loved, to want to be loved exclusively by one person that holds them above all others. I have sacrificed all that to be with your nephew. I don't love him any less, but I resent the position he has put me in. Why am I telling you this? You can't possibly want to hear it... and its not something I've voiced aloud to anyone else... "
Adarin listened silently. But he was quietly rolling over the meaning of her name: Light’s Hope Surging Soul Glorious. He was thinking about her roles in life… Amazon Queen, princess… human and elven…wife of a man and woman, mother to many. She was of such a generous and beautiful heart. He stopped still and held his breath, doing his best to envision himself as much as he could in the Amazon’s shoes. His face became pained and his breath was labored. Edrienne had been enough and he covered his face for several minutes. Unconsciously he looked upward with her.
“I cannot know the scars on your soul… I cannot know such a love… I cannot envision being married to a creature who just acts as he is and not for who he loves.” Adarin shuddered. He caught An’Thaya’s eyes and gazed at her, compassion in his eyes.
“Why have you sacrificed yourself, An’Thaya? Why do you put up with the resentment? Elen can take multiple wives or husbands… but it is rarely a thing of equality.” His voice was quiet and his hands and arms itched to take her more closely and kiss the resentment and pain away. His stomach fluttered and his heart ached for her.
Why? Why? The question hit An'Thaya like a wall and she nearly fell over. "I don't know," she breathed, her voice barely a whisper. "Galain is all I've ever known, all I've ever been. But, not being the one to share his soul... is a wound. I know he doesn't mean to hurt me, but I've asked myself many times... why wasn't I enough? And it is a stupid question... because Galain is who he is, and to him it isn't about what is enough..."
"Is it so very wrong of me to feel this way?" Her eyes met his as she asked the question, asking from the depths of her soul. "Am I being unfair to him?" The compassion she saw in Adarin's expression undid the last of her strength and she burst into tears, hiding her face in her hands. "I'm sorry... I don't understand.... I've never understood. I just want the pain to go away."
“You always return to Galain, yet not yourself,” Adarin observed quietly. “You live and breathe for him. Yet he does not always live and breathe for you.” The King shook his head. “I’m a strange fellow… but I wonder to myself… what is so stupid about wondering why you weren’t enough? You are your own person – beautiful, talented… your own person. You were one before you met him, you are one still… You are An’Thaya, Light’s Hope Surging Soul Glorious… Magnificent!”
That last word was heated with a fierce vehemence and he caught at An’Thaya’s hands as she sought to hide her face.
“It’s not wrong to feel as you are feeling. You’re being unfair to yourself. But I have no idea how to make the pain go away. No idea at all.” He kissed the hands he’d captured with his own and felt his own overwhelming grief for this woman who was a Queen. What strange twists in life had brought her to this point?
He understood, his words said it better than she could manage herself. The mere fact that Adarin got what she was saying took an immense burden off her shoulders. The Amazon let out a gasping sob as she lay her head against his chest, listening to the reassuring cadence of his heart.
An'Thaya's face burned with shame, for the half-elfven woman was a rather prideful creature and she had let Adarin see a side of her usually reserved for Galain. The Amazon needed to say something more, but the tears silenced her. For the moment she simply buried her face in the King's doublet and wondered why he was even listening to her.
Adarin felt he’d done something, though he wasn’t sure what. An’Thaya’s cries were gasping, heart-rending ones and his own tears were flowing without regard. He just drew his arms around the beautiful Amazon and held her, rocking gently.
“Don’t feel ashamed,” he murmured, not aware totally of her feelings, but just sensing what one might feel at times like this. “You have emotions… you must act on them at times. Oh mellon… sweet ’Thaya…” He rocked a bit, needing comfort himself. He wanted her, wanted to comfort her… just wanted to be her friend… Adarin was very quiet as he held the Amazon more tightly. He had no answers… she’d have to find them on her own. He wished he could help her find them.
For the first time in a very long time An'Thaya let herself be comforted by someone who wasn't Galain. By someone that wouldn't be hurt by the truth of her feelings. She couldn't say these things to her husband, he couldn't understand. Galain simply loved as his heart fell, regardless of the consequences. Tay had no wish to change him. It was her own resentment and pain she wanted to change. No matter how hard she tried to see things from his perspective, it just wouldn't go away.
For the longest time she simply lost herself in Adarin's embrace, soothed by the timbre of his voice and the rhythmn of his rocking. "There are no answers," she said softly against the fabric of his doublet, "I don't want to change Galain, but neither can I change my own heart. What is love when it is filled with resentment for something you cannot change? I don't begrudge him his love for Ghetsuhm, or the depth of the bond they share. I just feel out of place, like I don't belong anymore."
The Amazon drew a shuddering breath and curled her fingers into the laces in front of her eyes, "Galain is happy, and that should make me happy... but somehow, it doesn't. It's different this time..." She laughed, a slightly bitter sound, "Anyone else that has loved me has either gone mad or died horribly. It doesn't do much for a girl's ego."
Adarin just kept comforting An’Thaya. He was at such a loss. It didn’t matter how old he was…. Many times age and power were nothing when simply confronted with the reality of what one felt. The Elen King cried, unashamed. He kept rocking, seeking to comfort An’Thaya as best he could. He said words in Elvish, sang and crooned to her, and finally he just went still, just holding the Amazon.
“No… no answers…” he said at last, burying a tear in An’Thaya’s hair. “You can’t change him… you can only change yourself… and you can only do it in time and as it fits YOURSELF.” He was adamant about that. “Change yourself to suit yourself. No one else. If you fit Galain and Ghetsuhm, hallelujah, if you don’t… make your life then. You have so much power, m’lady.”
His heart skipped a beat when she mentioned the way other loves had gone in her life and he grieved for her.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he said suddenly, startled by the declaration. But it was true.
In all the time she could remember, no one had ever comforted An'Thaya in quite this way. She felt conflicted in Adarin's arms, very much a child in comparison to his vast age, yet the woman in her responded to the gentle soul within him. His words soothed the wounds in her heart and soul, restoring her strength somewhat with things that she had needed to hear for a very long time. It was ok to feel as she did, she had a right to feel this way. For so long she had felt she was betraying Galain for even thinking any of it....
He was right, only she could know what was truly right for her. Only An'Thaya could find the place where she really fit in. The Amazon's life had been a struggle to do just that, and she had been so sure she had found that place with Galain.
What if she had been wrong? What if this part of her life was only a stepping stone on the path to something more?
The Elen King's last statement startled her, and Tay lifted her face from his chest to gaze up at him, wonder in her eyes. Damp hair clung to her tear stained cheeks, eyes darkened with tears, hardly a pretty picture. What startled her more, however, was Adarin's tears.
Lifting a shaking hand she caught one on the tip of one tiny finger, then touched it to his lips. "Adarin.." She fell silent, her heart thudding wildly in her chest. Did he mean...?
The tears started again, but this time she stretched up on tippy toe, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him softly.
He kissed her. He couldn’t do else but kiss her. Adarin wrapped his arms around An’Thaya and drank from her lips, utterly spellbound.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he repeated. “I cannot believe this is where or how your life will end. There is too much before you.” He was dead serious and kissed her again.
Short and simple…at least to him.
It probably wasn't right, and perhaps illegal in several states, but at the moment Tay didn't care. She lost herself in Adarin's kiss, quietly stunned... amazed, and finding it extremely difficult to breathe. The Amazon still wasn't quite sure what the Elen King was trying to say, and perhaps she was a little afraid to ask.
Her mind was a riot of confusion, conflicting emotions. Whatever else was in her heart, Adarin had found a place in it. Where, what, how or why.... she didn't have any answers at the moment, instinct was the only thing guiding her.
What was she doing? She should probably stop this... someone was bound to get hurt. But Gods.. the way he looked at her, the way he kissed her....
"Wait," she gasped, pushing away a little. "I... oh.... Adarin.. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to be hurt. I have no idea what is happening here...."
Adarin blinked a bit, struggling to regain control again. He nodded, running an agitated hand through his hair.
“No hurt. I don’t want you hurt either.” His voice shook and his closed his eyes, unconsciously rocking back and forth slightly. He should have left last night or before she’d awakened this morning. He finally looked into An’Thaya’s eyes and regarded her quietly.
“Seek more than you have – is that clear enough? You have settled for too little.” He felt hopeless suddenly and bit back a frustrated sigh.
Tay was becoming more and more confused by the moment. Her life was a complicated mess all of a sudden.
All of a sudden? No.... It had been that way on a deeper level since she had escaped from Avathar.
Something more.... That something more was standing right in front of her. But to get there she would have to walk through a wall of flames. Was she willing to do that? Was she willing to let go of a love that had been a mainstay in her life for over two thousand years? Of a man that had seen her through many a bad situation and called her wife?
The question truly was.... did the good outway the bad?
Did this new path offer something better, or simply something different? And what of the reality of that path? Adarin was King of the Elen.... he had so many responsibilities, what room was there in his life for a half-elven Princess from another world?
"I have so many questions," she said finally, her gaze unwavering, "Two paths before me, and both fraught with complications. Do I take the one less travelled? Or keep to the easy path, the one I've known for so long?"
She needed time to think, to feel. Time away from Adarin, and away from Galain as well. She needed answers.... How could she have fallen for her husbands Uncle? And did he love her? Was that what she saw in his eyes? Or was she mistaken?
"I think we should find our way through the maze now," she said softly. "I need to think this through, and so do you. Remember who I am before you say anything more, and I don't mean that I am Galain's wife. I am a Princess by birth, with all the titles and ties that come with it. No one can help where their heart falls.... but when you are highborn, more than the heart is involved."
Adarin didn’t want to confuse An’Thaya. He wanted to comfort her. And he had the terrible feeling a portion of the confusion was his fault. But he had grown to something beyond the initial crush he’d felt for both Shali and her Queen. He was looking at An’Thaya through new eyes and railing silently against conventions and rules. Why couldn’t he decide to fall in love with the Amazon? Why not? At the same time it was no simple thing for An’Thaya and so Adarin just nodded when she spoke again.
He wanted her to take the path less traveled. He wanted to touch her and… he wanted to touch her.
“Maze. Now. You think, I’ll be quiet and think too. I’m… I know what you’re talking about. Edrienne was arranged for me. I know about titles and ties. I so know about them.” He clamped his mouth shut. He’d had to put his heart aside as Edrienne had changed on him. He understood that.
She watched the play of emotion over Adarin's face, and read the depths of his bright blue eyes. Tay bit her lip.... he DID... he really DID. The prospect of it should not have made her heart leap, nor should it have brought a sudden rush of joy. It was a total betrayal of her marriage to Galain. But it did, and a flush of guilt burned her face. Heart pounding she looked away, a cascade of crimson curls falling down to hide her features as she moved.
It wasn't that she loved the Elen Prince any less, she would never stop loving Galain.... he was part of her, and that could never be denied. But something had been terribly wrong between them since he had taken a second wife.... no matter how much either of them tried to deny it. The latent pain had sent the Amazon fleeing from the altar when they had renewed their vows. It wasn't Ghet's presence in their lives, it was the Golden Soulbond, Tay just couldn't accept it. She was tired of feeling shut out.
However, she wasn't ready to throw caution to the wind just yet. There were more than just her feelings involved. There was Galain himself, who loved her madly dispite it all, there was Ghet... Jaiden, Mystical... and more children than one could shake a stick at.
Something Adarin said drew her attention back to him though, and she pushed her mass of curls away from her face as she looked up. "You didn't marry for love?" She should not have been surprised, it was a common enough practice for the highborn. That he had found love at all in his marriage in such a situation was truly the surprise. But then... the disaster it had ended up in...
Suddenly the tables were turned, and she found herself wanting to comfort him instead. Tens of thousands of years old, and he had only known one love, one that had ended up being more pain than joy. How could he bear it? "Oh, Adarin..." The Amazon was nearly a full foot shorter than the tall and lanky Elen King, so she had to stretch a bit to touch his face, brushing a lock of golden blonde hair out of his eyes. Her heart going out to him she stepped closer, wrapping her arms around his waist and laying her head on his chest. "You deserve so much better."
Yes, he DID love her. He honestly did. He was more than aware of a growing love for the fiery-haired woman before him and he was at a loss. She was his nephew’s wife. She’s borne him children… They’d married… bonded…
But his heart was still beating a mile a second when he looked at her. When he tried to think rationally all he could think was An’Thaya.
“No… I didn’t. It was pre-arranged. I sought love as a result. I had to. I had too much to give up. And then… Well… it didn’t work right.” He gave her a rueful smile and then he had an armful of Amazon and he was hugging her close.
“M’lady, YOU deserve more. Don’t tell me what I need… I know it. I just want you to have more.” He nuzzled her hair and sighed a bit. There was a maze to conquer, but he wanted to do it with her hand in his.
"Call me Tay," the Amazon murmured, startling herself. Only Galain had her permission to use that particular version of her name. Smiling she embraced him a little tighter, then stepped back a little, "Let's find our way through here, shall we?" Offering Adarin her hand she gazed up at him with emerald eyes that were beginning to regain their usual impish sparkle.
The maze was much like her life was going to be in the days to come. Complex, hard to navigate, and very dark in places... yet there was a right path that led to the door, and she intended to find it. In both cases. As a matter of fact, she was eager to start. Now the gears had been set in motion, and she fully intended on searching her heart, her mind, and her soul for the answers to some very important questions. "Have patience," she said, "We'll find the right way, sooner or later."
There would be no hurrying her this time, she had made to many rash descisions in the past. What was right would come to her naturally. And... what was right at the moment, was putting her hand in that of the Elen King and sharing this little adventure.
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