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It had taken another day or more for Galain to regain the energy lost, to find his equilibrium. He spent the time at Ghetsuhm's cottage sleeping, recovering and generally reacquainting himself with his wife though that was hardly a hardship. He kept leaning his head against her abdomen, the joy to be found in sharing something only with her aiding the healing of the physical and mental toll he'd wrought upon himself. But in time he'd had to leave, anxiety over Tay's condition propelling him toward Nenlante.
It was a nasty shock to find the Amazon had been gone a few days. And it was a very contrite Cully who finally told his father where An'Thaya had gone. Galain hadn't even bothered with Y'Roden and Silverthorn, quite unable to stomach their likely disapproval of his being gone so long. But why hadn't they bothered to tell him she'd gone? Why?
"S'all right, yondo. She's your mother and she would never hurt you," Galain had told his son. He'd smiled, but the expression hadn't reached his eyes. "I'll see you later -- perhaps check in on Wil and your children." And then he was gone, moving swiftly to the next logical location his wife might return to. There was no way in hell he was returning to The Diirlathe. He'd end up reneging on his promises not to kill Callan and then again, he might never make it that far anyway.
He entered the cottage and looked around, inhaling the familiar scents of a home he'd shared for many years with his wife. It was here that they'd raised their family and the walls fairly hummed with the memories of those years. He stepped back outside, the anger he had been feeling since returning to Nenlante and learning of his wife's whereabouts simmering up to a boil. He stepped quickly away and lowered to a crouch, staring sightlessly before him, and waited.
Several days had passed for Tay in the Diirlathe; time spent healing body and soul. The break up with Adarin had taken its toll on her, nearly pushing her back over the edge again, and would have had it not been for Callan. In the passing hours they had discovered the depths of one another’s souls and she had sheltered herself in his strength. Centuries of pain and angst had been released in a purging of her soul and An’Thaya was becoming something quite different than she had been.
Since her time in Alcarinque Tay had become quiet, turning in on herself and ignoring the festering wounds. Attempts to fill the holes in her soul had only hurt those she loved the most, and death would have been preferable. Yet, Callan had taken that option away. With Mira’s healing came something new, and a bond to the Black Dragon Emperor that went beyond anything she had ever experienced before. It was … frightening, yet fulfilling all at the same time.
She left that morning, heading for Nenlante, promising to return after she spoke with Y’Roden. Something made her alter the portals destination at the last moment, and she came out directly in the master bedroom of the cottage. A brief glance around revealed the disarray she had left things in and the Amazon cringed inwardly. “Jaid? Vesse? Are you here?”
Galain froze when he realized An'Thaya had returned. Something deep within his soul pulsed a moment, but the bondmark on his arm refused to pulse with its usual glow and warmth when his wife was near and he stared at it a moment. It was quite the reminder of what had happened over the past few days. Anxiety mixed with anger and grief, but Galain tamped it all down, rising slowly.
"She's not here," he said as he re-entered the cottage but moved no further than the front room. He'd just have to wait to see her face as he refused to enter the memory room or that master bedroom.
An’Thaya froze in midstep halfway into the living room, a tangle of vines framing her features as she caught sight of her husband, golden sunlight reflecting off his soft blonde hair as he loomed in the doorway. A sight that was as familiar to her as breathing but somehow stopped that vital function at the moment. A small pulse flared in the depths of her soul in response to his presence and she winced as half of it jolted in protest. “Galain?” His name came out as a whisper and the Amazon’s hand clutched at the doorframe. “How long have you been here?”
"Long enough. Just waiting. I imagine Jaiden will be back home in time. It's quiet here without her and her little madhouse of children." Galain replied. He watched Tay intently. She was lovely and looked so natural amongst the foliage that made this place so green and alive.
"I am guessing you're feeling much better than when I last saw you." His face was a mask, devoid of any expression. He couldn't trust himself to show anything. He just wanted to hear her voice, hear everything.
Emerald eyes watched Galain warily, his lack of expression setting off alarm bells, yet tugging at her heart strings all at once. Gods … she had loved him for so long … loved? Did love? There was no question of that; it would never go away. “It is … quiet,” she murmured, “Yes … I’m feeling better. Where did you go? I woke up and you were gone.” Stepping out of the curtain she moved across the room rearranging the orchids on the table with apparently idle hands, though on closer observation, they were trembling.
"Good, glad to hear you're recovering. I... went to check on Ghetsuhm. I'd promised her a few days ago -- what, a week ago now? That's I'd return to the keep, but we missed each other. Found her though. Then... then I returned to Nenlante, but you weren't there anymore."
Galain stopped speaking and watched Tay's trembling hands as she rearranged the flowers.
"So I found Cully."
He paused a few heartbeats.
"Why did you go back there?" He asked.
A flowerpot fell from the table, smashing on the bamboo floor and sending dirt flying across the room. Shaking, Tay focused on it, refusing to look at her husband, then bent to pick up the shards. A muttered curse flew from her lips as a fragment sliced her finger and she brought it to her lips, sucking at the blood. What could she say? Gods … “I … take it you didn’t run into Adarin there,” she whispered.
Well that was a delightful way to deflect a well-aimed question. Galain simply wanted to tell himself that his anger was misplaced. That she'd simply gone back to... to what? Gods, he didn't know. But he was eyeing her arm as she sucked on her bloodied finger.
"No, I did not. Why?" His face lost its composure for a moment. As much as he hated that his wife had bonded with his uncle, he loved Adarin and if she'd... "Why did you go back there?" He asked again.
Crimson eyelashes flickered, shutting out the room for a moment as Tay struggled to get a grip on herself. “I had to,” her voice didn’t quite sound like her own. Startled, she identified the emotion gripping her … stark terror. Reaching out blindly the Amazon gripped the table, trying to breathe. “I had to find out why… why he would do this.”
Ah, she was avoiding yet another question and had only partially answered the first, twice-asked question.
"You had to? What did he do? Besides the obvious. What did he do?" He stared at her arm again. "And did you find out why?" He refused to move or be moved. He couldn't. He wondered what had happened that would include her asking about Adarin. His heart fluttered violently and he fought hard to remain control.
What had he done? And why … An’Thaya finally opened her eyes and turned her head, staring into sea-green eyes, unflinching. “He saved my life, because he wanted to. If it were not for Callan Blackthorn, I would have been dead by the time you reached Mira’s room.” Using the table for leverage she got to her feet and brushed dirt covered hands off on her leather trousers. “I did not choose to live, the choice was made for me.”
Galain's eyes finally flicked off of Tay's arm and met her eyes. He couldn't miss the stare as she spoke.
"Okay... what did he do? What did he do that you live? but other things speak to more," Galain finally said. "I am glad that you live. I owe Mira that gladness for sure. But beyond that... Callan? Why him? Why? What could he do that I couldn't? Or wait... it's because Mira was doing, what she is able to do?" But there was yet another question lurking and his eyes traveled again.
"The choice has been made for you before," he murmured. "You are loved." How loved? By whom? His eyes returned to her face. He was having a hard time articulating at the moment, but he didn't move forward. He was afraid to come within touching distance.
“It wasn’t that he could do something you could not. It was that he was there, in my soul, raw material for Mira to draw on, to fix the rips and tears that were killing me faster than she could stop them. I chose death, Callan chose life. He bonded his soul to mind and pulled me back from the edge … Mira did the rest.”
Her fingers flickered up to touch the tattoo, aware of his gaze on the protective ring of black thorns. “I know Galain … but … sometimes love isn’t enough.” Tay blinked back tears and looked away, “Not when it comes divided into sections. Not when the one thing you ever desired is denied to you more often than not.”
Emerald jewels flickered up to meet his gaze again, “Hate me for my weakness if you must, but half of me has been missing since you took part of it away. I’ve tried every way I know to fix it … I’ve tried so hard. Gods … I love you more than life itself Galain Alcarin, I wish you could have said the same.”
"He was there. In your soul? And not the fragment within each of us? Of course...I'm not raw. I'm old hat." He bit his tongue over spitting out that last statement and returned to calm "You chose death. And you bonded with him. And you did not seek me out." He had yet to stop looking at the mark on her arm. He stared at her face suddenly.
"So. I've managed to destroy you. I've split you up and I've been nothing but a dumb jerk. Why do you still love me? We don't even belong to each other anymore do we?" He took a step forward, and then stopped. "How bonded are you to him? Is there any chance? Hells." He turned away suddenly. "Why hasn't this happened before?" He murmured, mostly to himself..
“I didn’t choose,” her tone was flat, “I was furious when I found out what he had done. He was there through his bond to Agaru. I couldn’t seek you out; nothing that happened during the soulhealing was by choice Galain. Death was just … easier than fighting. I’ve asked nothing from anyone. I will not beg for your attention like some lovestruck child. If you had wanted to be with me, you would have been here, but you have been with Ghet instead.”
She sucked in a shaky breath and took a step towards him, “You did not destroy me, only I can do that. The events of my life … I just let it all pile up, and I didn’t tell you how much it was hurting. How much I hated it when you took another wife. Did you expect me to be overjoyed?” The tears escaped then, coloring her words. “ I just bit my lip and told myself that your happiness was more important … and you know, for awhile, that was true. But I missed you, I missed belonging to only you … just you and me, like you said you wanted it to be that night in the caverns. I destroyed Elyen … for you … I broke Railen … for you… and you, you gave half your soul to another woman in return.”
Dead silence filled the room for a moment and her hand covered the tattoo on her bicep, “You own a small part of me still, a fragment, which is all I’ve felt from you in a very long time. Gods Galain, I don’t regret a moment with you, how could I possibly? Despite it all, you have given me such joy … such happiness …love and children. We have been together for so long … But you’re right…I don’t belong to you anymore, not anymore. You chose another life, and it is time I choose mine.”
"Damn you! GODS damn you!" Galain retorted, protesting with his very being. The fragment within him vibrated painfully and he nearly shot to the ground from its violent force. "Gods damn, Tay!" He gave her a venomous look. "Always I am wrong! Always I am the one who screwed up. And gods damn. You're right." He tore out of the cottage and stood at its doorstep, violence outlined in every taut muscle of his body.
"You LET it pile up? You didn't tell me? You hated what I did?" He spun back around. "It's all been a lie? You just bit your lip and lied?" He hissed and turned away again, hating himself. She was right. And Ghet had been right. He just hadn't... good gods. What had he been thinking? She didn't regret a moment? What did that mean?
"You slept with him again. Willingly. That's what you’re saying." Galain gripped the doorposts and tried to breathe.
“What the hell do you expect for me?” She was yelling, and she hated it, “Damn YOU! I gave you everything! Everything Galain! You were my first! And for so long, my only! Why wasn’t I ever enough? WHY?” A dagger whistled through the air, embedding in the post near his head. “You always had to have that little bit more! No matter what the hell it did to me! You never stopped to THINK! Not once! How many bloody women were there Galain? You know, that part doesn’t matter, because you didn’t love most of them. You said forever! You went back on that before you even said it! You loved someone else all along! At least I was faithful up to a point! At least you were the only one in my heart!”
Tay came out after him, the flames of her hair billowing around her face, emerald eyes glinting with grief and rage. The part of her that was Callan reacted violently, nearly wrenching away her control. “I never demanded anything of you, only the once, when I couldn’t take it anymore. I loved you for you, I tried so hard to not let it hurt … but gods. It’s only natural! I just … LOVED you. Damn me for that all you want! I don’t even know what the hell you are asking me for! What business is it of yours if I slept with him or not? I know exactly what you ran off to do when you left me in Nenlante. Certainly something you haven’t done with me in a hell of a long time. And gods dammit! I was willing the first time! He loves me!”
"I expected my Tay," as the stupid reply before the yelling hit. She'd never yelled -- not like this and Galain stood absolutely still, not even blinking when the one dagger hit the wood near his head. She was good at that. It would be the day that she hid him that it would... hit him. Maybe not.
"I did! I did a lot. Too much. But you tamed me. Damn it, Tay. You tamed me. In time, you did." He stopped speaking. He realized it had taken two to actually tame him and he felt shame. He felt shame for all the lovers he'd bedded, the unclaimed children, the entire mess he'd left in his wake. The time it had taken. No time should have been taken. He'd said forever to Tay. He'd actually married her, taken her ring, given her one in return. A legal D'Riel marriage.
He let Tay come at him and fell back before her, driven clear out of the cottage.
"It's my business because I'm your husband. It was my business when you bonded to Adarin, it was my business when you slept with Callan --" He broke off then as something hit him.
She'd been willing the first time? And now the second time -- more than that? He gave An'Thaya a wild look of pain and turned away. This was more than Adarin and somehow he knew his uncle was alone. Just instinct, but he felt it was correct.
"Then take him. What am I to you? Regret? Pain?" All the light he'd felt when he saw her -- it was fading.
“I never tamed you! You just had your hands to bloody full to do anymore! Gods, you don’t even have time for me anymore, never mind other women! When is the last time I was in your bed, or you were in mine. Can you ever remember anymore? I certainly can’t.” She stopped cold for a moment and stared at him, “Yes … you are my husband. But am I your wife? Not in the way of your people, you could not even give me that much. Were you that ashamed of me? Gods, it hurts doesn’t it?”
The anger turned to pain and she started to cry. “I love you … I hate you … but the last thing I want to do is cause you pain. You were my heart … you would have been everything to me until the day I died … if only. But there are no if onlys in this life. There is only what is. You have found your happiness in Ghet, and I can be happy for you… but to do that, I have to walk away. You can’t have everything Galain … you already lost it… and you didn’t even notice.”
Brushing away tears she suddenly laughed, “I don’t have to take him, that is the entire point. I don’t need to take, or to ask, or to beg. Callan knows … and he is there, like you were once upon a time. What are you to me? A happy memory, because you haven’t been more than a dream since Gareth destroyed my life.”
The last words hit Galain so hard he gasped inward and couldn't breathe. But all of the words together, as they joined together and impacted him? He was driven further out of the cottage and then stumbled and fell backward, before he rolled to his side. He stared into the rich, dark, jungle earth, his hands stained with it. Why did he know he would never return here? Why did he know he was leaving a family, paintings, and a wife behind? Why did he know he'd lost it all just as she said -- before he'd even noticed.
He had no answers. He'd never know why the D'Riels hadn't insisted upon a more public marriage. And now? Now it didn't matter. How could he miss the past tense in her words. were her heart, would have been everything. A dozen and more moments passed before Galain's eyes and then he let out a harsh cry. He was a memory. A happy, but lousy memory. And it was his damn fault. Always his damn fault.
I will kill him, he thought silently, realizing quite intelligently that his promises mean nothing to An'Thaya.
"Then finish it," he ground out. "There's a pain in my soul and one in yours. I don't know you anymore. I won't know you again. I see this." He turned away, tears scalding the earth and his arms. They were just tears though. Nothing else. Just damn tears.
An’Thaya swallowed hard and turned her head away. No matter what, Galain had been her first love and her greatest love … up till now. Her world had revolved around him, she had lived and breathed for this man … and now she was hurting him. The pain was too much to bear. It had been all right when it had been her pain, that she could handle. But Galain’s? Tay had never been able to withstand it.
The journey down the steps was the longest one of her life. She dropped to her knees beside him and touched his face, her tears mingling with his … as they so often had. “I’m sorry … I’m sorry I couldn’t be stronger. I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you needed me to be. Gods Galain, I’m sorry for your pain.” Her lip trembled and she bit down on it, drawing blood. “I can’t … I can’t do this alone. I’m not sure I can do it at all, my soul still hurts.” Leaning down she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and kissed his temple, rocking him gently, “I’m sorry … I’ll try… I don’t want you to be in pain.”
"Don't do it, Tay. I'll kill you again. I'll hurt you again. I'll split you in too many pieces and you know it. You've got a fresh start and I'm the biggest bump in the road." Galain wanted to tear himself away. "You're who you're supposed to be. Stop revolving around me. What'm I going to do? Break you again?" He looked up at her. "Who will you turn to again? Of course you can do it all -- when you have the right love behind you. Have I been right? I haven't."
Pain. What did he know? He'd hadn't been ripped apart. He hadn't shredded his bonds. He'd had his moments, but it all paled compared to this. Grief and anger simmered together in a potent mix that he just quelled further.
"We're at a stalemate, melda. You've found someone so important that he's done this, without trying." He pointed to the bondmark on her arm. "What am I to that? He's claimed all of you, yes? How do I fight that? Can I fight that? Do you want me to fight that?" He sat up sudden, fierceness in his eyes.
She had simply meant removing the fragments, but his reaction shocked her. The Amazon’s mouth fell open and she stared at him openly, for a moment wavering beneath the fierceness of his gaze. This was the Galain she knew, the Elen Prince she had fallen in love with, had given her life too.
It was too late…
“Gods Galain … if you had said those words a week ago…”
Fresh tears fell and she leaned her head into his chest.
“Damn you… I wish you could. I wish … life had never become … hell.”
The fierceness died.
"Take it out," he said, his eyes going dull. "Finish it. Please. I'm too late. You're right. Just do it." He looked at her and felt nothing at the moment. He didn't dare feel anything. He was in too much shock. "No more dramatics. Just do it." He kissed her, realizing this might be the last time he could do so without infringing on another or expecting a knife in his gut. He drank her in, claimed her one last time and then broke away, harshly, refusing to give in to his body.
"Okay?" He said, quietly.
Tay licked her lips, the familiar taste of him stinging her mouth like sweet poison. Over time … she had sacrificed everything for him. It was time to stop.
“I love you,” she whispered, “I do … so very much. I’m so sorry. Malinya huru… Someday … someday it won’t hurt anymore. I hope, for both our sakes.”
Blinded by tears she reached for his soul one last time, bathed in its golden glow. Her own wounded spirit screaming with agony as she tried to access the conduit and she whimpered aloud at first, then screamed, hairline fractures lacing through the emerald and onyx galaxy as she gripped the last part of her soul left in the man she had loved beyond all else.
Galain … I can’t … you have to help me.
He hadn't expected her pain. He didn't understand it except he realized now that she had changed so immensely that there anything familiar to them both was gone. His breath caught and he bit it back.
Gods, he replied silently. He bowed his head and bit back the tears. It was all done. And in doing so he would cause the worst physical pain between them. Without further words, silent or aloud he reached deeply down, sucking in his gasp as he touched the fragment in his soul and then traced its narrow path to her soul. He wanted to romp there, to scream with joy, but he'd messed it all up and what he was helping to do now was irreparable.
He couldn't believe it wouldn't hurt one day. So much... millennia... sacrifices, adventures hand in hand, children, grandchildren.... he pulled at what was his in her soul, so submerged he thought he was going to drown.
Tears shed freely and An’Thaya felt as if she would break, so much remembered joy, so much shared, so much love. Such a price to pay …
She wasn’t sure if the scream passed her lips or not, reality had ceased to exist, and there was only the agony of separation. Bits of her soul clung to the last vestige of gold, while the ebony stars pushed it away. It was a different landscape than what Galain would have remembered. No longer entirely her own.
Namaarie Verno. Amin mela lle. Aa' menealle nauva calen ar' malta … Sy’Rish.
Then he was gone and the world was spinning, leaving her clinging desperately to Callan’s presence in her soul. She wasn’t alone … never alone again, but gods … the pain …
“Go,” she wailed, “leave me in my grief.” Sobs shook the tiny redhead and she fell back on the earth, staring up at the brilliant blue sky with its blazing twin suns… and thinking she had never seen so dark a day.
"Namarie, " he said aloud. It was a gasp of pain as he went prostrate. He had to move -- had to obey her, yet it was so hard. The pain was searing and shocking. He'd been shut out so totally as his shard of soul left hers. The Black had rushed in swiftly. Within himself? The Green had gone slowly and he felt a trick of blood escaping his mouth. He wouldn't let An'Thaya see.
Gods, this had happened before. And then it had been his fault too. Arminiea had again withdrawn her favor. His wife surely had. And now? There was no going back. His soul yawned with an open abyss of pain.
"I'm going," he said quietly. "I'm sure he'll come." He gasped out then. Be well arwenamin." He slipped the wedding ring she'd forged for him off his finger. It was something that weighed too heavily upon him but he held onto it. He would not leave it with her. He would just leave. It would find its way to where it belonged later.
No portal was opened. 'Lain more than sensed his elf's pain and took over, a mist melting over Galain before the dragon's form appeared. He gazed once at the beautiful Amazon and then launched into the air, disappearing suddenly in mid-air, headed for his own personal home.
Namaarie Verno. Amin mela lle. Aa' menealle nauva calen ar' malta … Sy’Rish. – Farewell husband, I love you. May your ways be green and golden … treasured bond.
arwenamin: My Lady (familiar)
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